Runners Up

Everyone has had a bad date. At least I’m going to continue to tell myself everyone has had a bad date… it makes me feel better. I have had A LOT of bad dates. I have had bad dates that I should have just got up and walked out but I stayed. I stayed mostly because I’m nice and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but I also stayed because I knew I would have an awesome story.
I never call my dates by their names. I always name them for something that happened on date. My friends that have heard the stories about my dates refer to the guys by their “date name”. (I have to really like you to call you by your real name!) I will dedicate each new post to one guy and talk about his date… that only seems fair that I give him a whole paragraph!
Some dates do not deserve a full paragraph… so here are some of the runners up! No particular order:
Aquarium Guy… Very sweet guy but because of him I will never date another guy that has a fish aquarium! I was sitting at his house and he got up to go to the bathroom. I walked over to his fish aquarium… looked in and one of the fish dropped dead (or floated dead??) I freaking killed his fish!
Snowstorm Guy… I braved a blizzard to meet this guy. As I was leaving my neighborhood my car slid into a telephone pole. I finally get to the bar to meet him and he has no interest in me. He eats some greasy appetizer thing and says he’s ready to go. Fine by me. We get out into the parking… I’m wearing heels and it’s a blizzard. He basically runs to his car. He is in his car and driving away and I’m sliding all over the parking lot. Gentleman he was not! It didn’t do much for my self esteem either!
Crazy Whiskey Guy… This technically wasn’t a date but he deserves a place in my blog. I met him at a bar one night. He was cool. He walked into a dive bar wearing a three piece suit. He sat down next to me and told me I was pretty and ordered Jack Daniels straight up. He owned his own business. He had a house. He had a car. He had another Jack Daniels… and then another… and another… and one more. They he rubbed my stomach and told me he liked for his women to have a little belly on them. I got up to leave… he followed me. He stumbled out the door. He said his car was parked down the street so I offered to drive him to his car. (Don’t ask me why… I have no idea!) He gets in my car… I start to drive down the street and he passes out in my car. He wakes up to tell me he is driving the van….yes! He was driving a giant date rape van! Then he passed out again. I stopped the car by his van and attempted to wake him up. He didn’t wake up. I looked around… no one was around…. So I opened the car door and pushed him out of the car. Don’t ya know… his leg landed under my tire! F*CK!!! About 30 seconds later he stands up and gets in his van. Doesn’t even look my way. I quickly take off and drive home praying he doesn’t follow me. As I pull into my apartment… my phone rings. He had managed to call his phone from my phone so he would have my number… he must have did this when he was rubbing my belly and had me distracted! I hung up. I get out of the car and realize… his wallet was sitting on my passenger seat. I ignored it. He called me 57 times the next day. Then he sent me angry text. I did eventually give him back his wallet but not before stalking him. I found out he didn’t own his own business. He worked at CiCi’s pizza. He had a pregnant girlfriend. He lived at her house. He must have rented the three piece suit.
Love.