Green Beer Guy

I live in Cincinnati. Anyone that is familiar with Cincinnati knows the city isn’t exactly dating friendly. People tend to marry very young and marry their high school sweetheart. If you aren’t married by 23 people assume something is wrong with you and if you aren’t divorced by 26 then something is really wrong with you. Meeting people in this city is always a challenge. It’s a very tight knit city. We make friends in high school and even if we don’t like the people anymore… we remain friends. If someone asks you “Where did you go to school?” they mean “What high school did you attend?” Then… they judge you or ask if you know “so and so” that played football. I’ve had trouble meeting someone that I don’t have some sort of connection with… you know, six degrees of Kevin Bacon or as I like to say six degrees of catholic schools.

When a friend told me about a guy she worked with that I should meet… I was pretty excited. He wasn’t from Cincinnati. He didn’t attend a local Catholic high school. He was cute and funny. Before she had a chance to introduce us… he contacted me on Facebook. He was really sweet and cute. He seemed very interesting. He had a lot of unique hobbies. Best of all… he thought I was amazing! What girl doesn’t love being a supermodel in someone’s eyes?? We chatted via Facebook for a few days then he called me. We talked on the phone for hours and it seemed like minutes. I was pretty excited. We decided to grab a drink one night. I was really surprised when I finally met him in person. He was super cute and kinda quirky. We had a few drinks and I really liked him. We ended up hanging out again and had a great time. They next time we hung out was a “drinking holiday”. We met at my friends’ house for a few pre-game drinks then headed to the bar. Everything seemed great. My friends liked him… he was funny… could this really be possible? Had I found a normal guy that I actually liked? NO… it all went downhill from there! I should have never gotten my hopes up because they were quickly shattered. My cute, funny, quirky guy quickly turned into super sloppy drunk guy. I’m not sure how it happened. I had just as many drinks as him and I was fine. A few of my friends decided to go home… it was a week night. I wanted to stay. Drunk guy said he should probably leave with my friends. I agreed he should. He went home with my friends…. Bad idea. Once they got back to my friends’ house he became very ill. Earlier I mentioned it was a “drinking holiday”. We had consumed several colored beverages… mostly green. He projectile vomited all over my friends’ bathroom… but failed to mention that he vomited in the bathroom. He then went upstairs to their spare bedroom. He claims he couldn’t find the bathroom and vomited, again, on their white carpet. After all this… he denied it was him. Funny… because he was the only other person at the house besides my friends and their dog… I don’t think the dog was drinking green beer. They asked him to leave. He left… he didn’t offer to clean up his vomit…. He never had their carpets cleaned. What he did do was write a song for me. The next day he emailed it to me. It was a beautiful little tune… maybe when it becomes a #1 hit on the Billboards he will pay to have my friends’ carpet replaced.

Love.

Runners Up

Everyone has had a bad date. At least I’m going to continue to tell myself everyone has had a bad date… it makes me feel better. I have had A LOT of bad dates. I have had bad dates that I should have just got up and walked out but I stayed. I stayed mostly because I’m nice and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but I also stayed because I knew I would have an awesome story.
I never call my dates by their names. I always name them for something that happened on date. My friends that have heard the stories about my dates refer to the guys by their “date name”. (I have to really like you to call you by your real name!) I will dedicate each new post to one guy and talk about his date… that only seems fair that I give him a whole paragraph!
Some dates do not deserve a full paragraph… so here are some of the runners up! No particular order:
Aquarium Guy… Very sweet guy but because of him I will never date another guy that has a fish aquarium! I was sitting at his house and he got up to go to the bathroom. I walked over to his fish aquarium… looked in and one of the fish dropped dead (or floated dead??) I freaking killed his fish!
Snowstorm Guy… I braved a blizzard to meet this guy. As I was leaving my neighborhood my car slid into a telephone pole. I finally get to the bar to meet him and he has no interest in me. He eats some greasy appetizer thing and says he’s ready to go. Fine by me. We get out into the parking… I’m wearing heels and it’s a blizzard. He basically runs to his car. He is in his car and driving away and I’m sliding all over the parking lot. Gentleman he was not! It didn’t do much for my self esteem either!
Crazy Whiskey Guy… This technically wasn’t a date but he deserves a place in my blog. I met him at a bar one night. He was cool. He walked into a dive bar wearing a three piece suit. He sat down next to me and told me I was pretty and ordered Jack Daniels straight up. He owned his own business. He had a house. He had a car. He had another Jack Daniels… and then another… and another… and one more. They he rubbed my stomach and told me he liked for his women to have a little belly on them. I got up to leave… he followed me. He stumbled out the door. He said his car was parked down the street so I offered to drive him to his car. (Don’t ask me why… I have no idea!) He gets in my car… I start to drive down the street and he passes out in my car. He wakes up to tell me he is driving the van….yes! He was driving a giant date rape van! Then he passed out again. I stopped the car by his van and attempted to wake him up. He didn’t wake up. I looked around… no one was around…. So I opened the car door and pushed him out of the car. Don’t ya know… his leg landed under my tire! F*CK!!! About 30 seconds later he stands up and gets in his van. Doesn’t even look my way. I quickly take off and drive home praying he doesn’t follow me. As I pull into my apartment… my phone rings. He had managed to call his phone from my phone so he would have my number… he must have did this when he was rubbing my belly and had me distracted! I hung up. I get out of the car and realize… his wallet was sitting on my passenger seat. I ignored it. He called me 57 times the next day. Then he sent me angry text. I did eventually give him back his wallet but not before stalking him. I found out he didn’t own his own business. He worked at CiCi’s pizza. He had a pregnant girlfriend. He lived at her house. He must have rented the three piece suit.
Love.

Four Letter Word

Love. A four letter word. We are taught from a very early age that four letter words are bad....and we are taught to seek out love. Believe me… I’ve been seeking! I’ve looked high and I’ve looked low… Really low. I want to believe love exist when so many signs point to no. I honestly do not know one truly happy couple… but I have I hope and I continue to seek. Do you know how many people have told me “Stop looking for love… let it find you?” Well… that’s why I’m starting this blog. I would like to share with you what kind of “love” finds me!
I hope you find my dating stories humorous as many of my friends have. I have many great tales, all true. I will never use any real names and I will not intentionally try to hurt anyone. I will never tell a story about someone I still have contact with. I would like my identity to remain anonymous but if that’s not possible then so be it. I will do my best to show the world what it’s like to be a single woman in Cincinnati, Ohio seeking the ultimate four letter word.
Love.